A lot has unfolded in the last 48 hours, and I think I've experienced pretty much every emotion there is. From the sadness and frustration that comes from The Paralegal standing me up, to an incredible emptiness and loneliness that I felt while working out with Development Guy. While running on the treadmill and watching kickboxing on Spike TV--think hot, lean, angry men beating on each other--I was able to let go of all of those empty, lonely feelings that just led to anger. And what replaced it was joy, happiness, laughter, and love. And I've been basking in this positive glow for almost 24 hours now.
While working out with Development Guy, I came to realize he's just not available for anything beyond a friendship. And that's okay, I enjoy his company and he's a good sounding board for professional purposes, and he does like a good time. But to stand there as he lifts weights, flexing muscles, waiting for him to ask me out on a date (or at least a date that comes with a little romance), I just don't know if that is ever going to happen. And the more I long for it, the more heartache I create for myself. We were driving back from the gym, and I asked him what his holiday plans were. He gave me a lengthy explanation of what he plans on doing. And then end of conversation, as if I had just asked him for my help. No question as to what I might be doing for the holidays. And that's when I came to realize it's not me -- he's not open to anyone.
I had dinner with Yoga Girl. We both are about the same age, were in a relationship about the same length of time, and then left our Ex-s about the same time. We've been luck to find each other and she has become a willing, competent, and supportive partner in crime. We'll hit a gay bar, and while I collect three or four numbers in a night, she always manages to find the lone straight guy in the bar -- the needle in the haystack. She has a particular talent for this, and if you turn your back for even just a moment, she'll have a man hanging on her.
Following dinner, Yoga Girl and I hit the town for a holiday party. We walked into the condo in Buena Park, and were immediately met with unknowing stares, as if we had arrived at the wrong party. I only knew one of the hosts, and I can't even recall how we met. In fact, it had been so long since we had crossed paths, that I couldn't exactly recall what he looked like. But when we spotted each other, there was a spark. Fireworks that say, "Why haven't we been spending more time together?"
"Sorry, I didn't dress up like the theme," I said.
"Oh, don't worry about it. You look smashing," The Host said. I had worn a green shirt with a red, white, and silver necktie and a grey jacket.
"Thanks. I didn't have anything that looked like the theme, so I dressed like a candy cane."
He laughed.
"I'm hoping I'll get licked later."
"And I'm hoping I'll get the honors! You do look delicious tonight."
I'm coming to realize that these moments only happen when I check at the door the feelings of anxiety over other relationships in my life that stem from what they are not, rather than embracing fully what they are, and feeling the joy and gratefulness that comes from them.
Throughout the evening, however, in between flirting with The Host, The Paralegal was texting me. I had snapped a photo of me dressed like a holiday candy cane, and he promptly replied that I look so handsome, he just wants to hug me. He was at a party with some DJ and had mentioned the lights were amazing and that he wished I was there so I could write a haiku about the lights. Yoga Girl announced after a couple hours that she was ready to move on. We were either going dancing at Big Chicks or we were going to fund where The Paralegal is and hunt him down.
Feeling up for an adventure, we went for the later, and I texted The Paralegal to say we were on our way, and he was going to get to claim his hug tonight.
Yoga Girl and I had no idea what we were getting into. We approached Visions Nightclub, which, as far as I can tell, is a more exclusive V.I.P. Club that exists within Excalibur. We walked up to
the line at Visions.
"Are you on the guest list?" A round woman stood in front of a velvet rope, blocking the path.
"No, but we know someone on the guest list--I'm pretty sure," I said.
"The cover is twenty dollars."
We pooled our funds and handed her twenty.
"It's twenty dollars each."
Yoga Girl and I, looked at each other, laughing. We combined all our money, counted it out and all we had was thirty-three dollars.
"Is there an ATM?" I asked.
"Oh, what the heck," she said. She gave us two green coupons and said to go on inside.
The club has multiple levels and is quite the elaborate maze, with balconies overlooking multiple dance floors. It took us a while to find where The Paralegal was. What we have now come to realize is that we pretty much walked right into the more exclusive, V.I.P. club within in the club. And the Paralegal, was in the other area. When we finally found it, it was packed with men. Hardly any women in this crowd of straight men, all facing the stage, where a DJ was "performing." They just stood there, with the fog filling the room, and the lights shining down. Yoga Girl says it was like an alien mother ship landing, and the entire crowd was completely mesmerized by the lights and the thumping techno noise. It wasn't even really music, but just noise.
I set out to find The Paralegal, and when we found each other, he claimed that hug. We stood there for a few minutes, just holding each other.
"It's so good to finally meet you!" He said. "Oh, and I like hugs."
We went to go get a drink. It was not the setting that I had hoped to meet him, but I could say that he is real, and the awkwardness of the first meeting is behind. After weeks of texting after finding each
other on Grindr, I was afraid I was becoming attached to the Idea of The Paralegal--an idea completely formed in my head, rather than the reality of The Paralegal. To continue to put off meeting each other,
would just heighten the anxiety around whether or not I actually like the Paralegal or the Idea of the Paralegal.
We stood by the bar and few a few moments we made out, his soft, kissable lips and his tasty tongue brushing up against mine.
The Paralegal and I stood there, dancing. He is so stunningly handsome, and it was hard to not write out an ending -- that now we've met, he's not going to have any interest in me, that the idea of me is almost better than the reality of me.
"I think that guy stole the battery to my phone!" Yoga Girl, referring to a guy she had met, showed me the back of her phone, its guts completely on display, the battery gone.
"I think he would have stolen your entire phone if he wanted the battery. I bet it just fell off," I suggested.
Suddenly we're on the floor, looking between people's legs, as if we're searching for a lost contact.
It wasn't long after the loss of the phone battery that Yoga Girl and I decided it was way past our bedtime. How it got to be 3:30 a.m., we were not really sure. I hugged The Paralegal one more time. We kissed, and we departed ways.
In the cab home, I thought that i would never see him again, or even hear from him. And that's fine. But for one night, with no expectations of outcomes, I was able to be in the moment, to enjoy it for what it was.
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