Slow Motion Train Wreck

So last night was pretty much a slow motion train wreck. I sometimes wonder what lessons the universe is trying to send my direction that I need to learn.

I never heard from The Paralegal. Earlier this week, we had discussed crossing paths, spending some time together. Doing something other than just sending adoring text messages back and forth. So yesterday, our banter led us to the suggestion of spending some time together. Late in the afternoon, he sent a message saying he had to hit the gym. I figured two to three hours then, depending on how big of a workout he was hoping to get in.

In the mean time, The Laywer starts messaging me, looking to go out for a cocktail. I have not heard from The Lawyer in seven weeks, except for a quick exchange where he needed something. Now he travels a lot for work, so it's not unusual that I would go this length of time without seeing him, but it is unusual that I would go this long without a peep.

I was getting ready for The Paralegal. Outfit selected. Showered. Meditated, released The Lawyer so I could be open for The Paralegal. And is it any coincidence that as I release my anxiety around The Lawyer, my bowels open up? I feel lighter, slimmer, and ready for anything.

And then, nothing. I shoot up a flare, actually leaving a voicemail for The Paralegal. Nothing.

So all dressed up and nowhere to go, I call The Lawyer back, and reluctantly make a plan for dinner and drinks (read: go-go boys). So we meet up, and over dinner, catch up on what has been happening in each other's lives not just over the past seven weeks, but over, really, the past three months as we've not had this much face-to-face time since then, and our communication has been strained, to say the least. We danced, for a while, around the big pink elephant in the room, and then I finally asked: how were things with the Flight Attendant?



The Flight Attendant.

Things were progressing nicely with The Lawyer early last summer. We were spending more and more time with each other. Occassionally making out. Sometimes spending the night with each other. Texting each other throughout the day. I don't know where it was leading to, but it was going. For me, it was a lesson in learning to live in the moment. To not arrive with expectations, but to be open to what might
happen next.

So one night, we are out on the town. We make out a little bit, and we end up in bed with each other, tangled. It's there that he says the moment he met me, "I knew instantly."

"Knew what?" I asked.

"That you are my soulmate."

"What was it about that moment?"

"I don't know. I just knew. I just new that we are soulmates. That we are going to be together for a very long time. That you were the one I've been waiting for all my life."

I was breathing. I was living in the moment, and we feel asleep, our arms around each other.

Now, in the category of love stories, those are fighting words. And had I known the number of fights they would inspire, I might have just taken an offensive move and punched him in the face for good measure and told him to take two asprin and call me in the morning.

Days later, a Flight Attendant, who The Lawyer thought was cute, dropped a post-it note in front of him, "Thank you for your dedication." A nod to his status as a paying customer, for sure. Well, The Lawyer is not as suave in those particular moments as he could be, so he was unable to even get the Flight Attendant's name.

So he posts a Missed Connection on Craigslist.

And 48 hours later, he was engaged in a flirty e-mail banter with the boy.

Three weeks later, The Lawyer is introducing me to the Flight Attendant. Challengingly difficult would be an understatement. After a lot of meditating, I realized that for whatever reason, The Lawyer's journey
was involving a Flight Attendant. And that, whatever the reason, he was wanting me to go along on this journey with him. Armed with that perspective, I was honored that he chose me. After brunch, when I saw little energy between them, rather an infatuation of ideas of who each other were, I realzied that my connection with The Lawyer is mine, and that no one can take that away or interfere with that. Not even a superficial Flight Attendant. And I thought, this, too, like every other boy The Lawyer has expressed an interest in, will flame out after three dates, or three weeks--whichever comes first.

Or so I thought. Fast forward to last night, and we had a good time. We connected in the way that we connect. I figured I have nothing to lose, so I told him about all the boys in my life. I spoke openly and honestly, and it felt good to be able to speak without fear of how one might react.

As the evening progressed, The Lawyer opened up, saying he desperately wants me in his life and that he just wants us to be friends. I said the same thing, but asked if he could be my friend while trying to establish something with the Flight Attendant. He said the Flight Attendant says we can't be friends. I said it didn't matter what the Flight Attendant thought, but that what happens between us is between
us, the Flight Attendant has no bearing.

He didn't like being challenged by this, and it brought out his defensive side. We ended up arguing in the cab on the way home, with him just walking alway.

So who knows what is going to happen next?

When I climbed into bed, I was feeling so much disrespect, and I was unfairly lumping The Paralegal in with The Lawyer. But both of them, last night, were not respecting the energy I was bringing to the table. So I took a moment to send The Paralegal a message, just to say that I was feeling really disrespected, and that I'm sure there is a good explanation, but without it, I'm not sure what feelings to latch on to and what feelings to let go.

This morning, I woke up to a most beautiful message from The Paralegal, saying that there is no disrespect and that he would never do that to a person. That he had been on the phone with his mom who just lost her husband this past summer, so the holidays have been very hard for her, and the four hour conversation was just too emotionally draining.

And that's when I lost it. The emotional dam burst open with a flood of tears and snot. The respect I have yet to get from The Lawyer. I'm pretty proud of myself for holding the line, and not unravelling completely. For, even in a pretty intoxicating moment, with go-go boys taunting me, to be clear on where I stand and what my needs are.

That, I think, was a small victory.