Psychic Intervention

            “Hey. I’m back. I hope you are well.”

            That was the message I got from the Paralegal about a month after he went into rehab. It unraveled me. Once a week while he was away, I sent him a message that I was thinking of him and he was not alone in his process. That I was there to support him however he needed to be supported. I didn’t expect a response from those messages, thinking he might be in complete isolation, but sending him love and compassion was just as much for him as it was for me.

            For a month, I meditated on the knowledge that he could have disappeared into rehab without letting me know. But he didn’t. And through depths of missing him, it provided comfort to know that he cared about me as much as I cared about him, otherwise he would have just vanished. So I tried to relax into knowing that when he could, he would be in touch again. It was easier said than done.

            And there he was, in touch. My intuition had been right, and for a moment there… As much as I wanted to know, I realized that for all the questions, I didn’t need the answers. That probably the worst thing I could do for him would be to badger for an explanation. But why did I need an explanation? If he wanted me to know, he would tell me. And if what was between us was real, the answers would come with time. I knew he was alive, he made it through, and that was most important. I tried calling, but he did not answer. I tried sending messages, but they were not returned. I thought about sending flowers, but for all I knew, he could have quit his job.

            It hurt.

            It hurt, and I was furious. I swam. I ran. I rode my bike. I meditated. In his absence, I tried to fill my time with taking care of me. How could he not know how much I cared? How could he not acknowledge the love that I was sending? How could be so self-absorbed to think that his problems were bigger and more important than my problems? We all have problems, and we deal with them.

            Oh, addict. That’s what addicts do. Their problems are bigger than anyone else’s in the world.

            There was nothing I could do. Nothing I could control. Except for my own feelings, and my own reaction, and letting him go.

            The week after the return of the Paralegal, I was having a hard time breathing in the reality. I found myself wondering if I should ask myself for patience, giving him space and time, or if I should let it be. The voice in my head from the night we met still haunted me, and his inability to acknowledge the love and support I was offering practically killed me. Every time my phone would chime, I’d leap for it, only to discover it was some breaking headline news about the former governor’s criminal trial, causing me to sink into the depression of empty hope. A complete train wreck with the inability to focus, it was time for a romantic intervention; I needed divine guidance.

            I called the Psychic.

* * *

            The Psychic invited me into the small, closet-sized room. She is a round soft woman with curly dark hair. She sat down behind a small table-clothed desk and encouraged me to sit, too. A few crystals and scattering of angel figurines sat on the table. The only thing missing from the stereotypical setting was a crystal ball. Instead, a tape recorder was in the middle of the table.

            “I’m gonna call upon the arch angel Gabriel and all my spirit guides to help me see the divine wisdom of the universe with an open heart and good intentions.”

            She had a Kentucky Southern Accent with a heavy emphasis on the first syllables and while dropping the final consonants. The Psychic was perky and upbeat, her eyes were wide open with anticipation.

            “What questions would ya like answered for today?”

            I told her about my former partner, and that we had separated but still owned a condo together. I asked her about the sale of the condo.

            “I feel like ya got the right agent. Yes. She’s the right agent, and she’s working very hard for you. I can see that you both want it to sell, and it will, but it’s just gonna take some time. It’s gonna happen, you just gotta be patient. ‘Cause the right people have to come along, who have the money. I feel like you’ll get what you want for it, but it just is gonna take some time.”

            She looked up, as if she was reading her third eye.

            “I don’t see you there right now. Are you livin’ somewhere else?”

            “Yes, I’m house-sitting for some friends who are working overseas right now.”

            “I think that’s good. I think that’s going to help the condo to sell faster. Your former partner, he’s really struggled with releasing you and letting go. Hasn’t he? While you were there, he was still holding on to you and your relationship. You had some good times though, didn’t you. But it just wasn’t working any more, and he’s had a hard time letting that go.”

            She broke into a smile, and started to giggle.

            “But you’re having fun now. Oh, my gosh are you having fun. You’re beginning to feel at home where you are and with who you are. So yes, just be patient, and the condo will sell. There’s just not a lot of money in the universe right now, so it’s just gonna take some time. What else do you want to know about?”

            I told her about the Paralegal and asked her if I should have patience with him or let him go.

            “I see he’s a lot younger than you are, isn’t he?”

            “Well, he’s thirty.”

            “Really? ‘Cause I see someone who is about twenty-four. He’s really immature right now. He needs to do some growing up. You’re both in different spaced right now. You’re just in different spots. It’s been a real short relationship, like only a few months. Hasn’t it?”

            “Yes.”

            “But y’all have had fun. A lot of fun when you’re together. But I only see you getting together once or twice a month. Is that correct?”

            “Yes.”

            “Yeah, see, ‘cause I see you sitting by the phone a lot waiting for him to call, and that doesn’t make you very happy. It’s very frustrating to you. It’s as if he’s not respecting you. See, I’m getting the feeling he wants to play the field a little.”

            Her words were not a real surprise to me, but nonetheless tears filled my eyes with disappointment. I had wondered if he was seeing other men, and while I wanted to have that conversation with him, I felt having it implied that I wanted to see him exclusively. I was okay with the idea, I just was not ready for exclusivity. I didn’t want to define anything yet. When we talked about taking it to the next level, I didn’t know what exactly I meant or wanted, but I did know I wanted to see him more regularly. And if he was fine with me dating other people, I was fine with him dating other people until we figured out what each of us were looking for.

            Maybe I should have just said that.

            “I’m sorry. That’s not what you wanted to hear, I know,” she continued. “He’s just not ready for a relationship, but neither are you. I feel like he really helped you to move forward, though. He’s facilitated a lot of healing and growth for you, and you can be grateful for that.”

            I nodded. She was right about moving forward and the healing. Her words had finality to them that stung; it sucked.

            “He just doesn’t know what he wants right now. He’s real confused and he’s not taking action. It’s like he’s waiting for someone else to come help him, and you can’t be that person. But you know that. You know that, don’t you? He can only help himself.”

            She sat up straight, as if new inspiration had come.

            “He’s very creative. He’s like an artist, isn’t he?”

            “Yes.” My throat had closed up and it was all I could say.

            “I feel like he’s not pursing his passion, though, like he could make a lot of money as an artist. He’s visual. Very visual. And very, very creative. You are creative, too, and you both connect on that level.”

            She was right. He was the only man I’ve dated who could respond to my creativity with his own creativity. We fueled each other in sweetly romantic way.

            “I feel like he’d have to go back to school, though, in order to be successful at it. He’s not in the right job right now, but I feel like he knows it, and he makes good money at it, but he could make more. But I don’t see him pushing through that challenge of going back to school. Yes, when life gives him a choice, he’s always gonna to take the path with least resistance. But you know that, don’t you?”

            I nodded my head. I had sensed the Paralegal would choose the easier direction, even if it wasn’t the right direction.

            The Psychic cocked her head to the side.

            “Oh, I see another man. Y’all are sitting on grass, having lunch near the water. He’s a really good cook. A really good cook, and there is lots of food and you’re enjoying it. He’s got an accent. I think it’s British. British? The angels, they just keep showing me this really good friend of mine who is British. So he might be British, might not be, but he’s definitely foreign. Definitely foreign. Tall and thin, good-looking. Sinewy. Oh, gosh, is he good looking. And he’s very gentle. He’s thoughtful and considerate. I don’t know what he does for a living, but he has a lot of time. He’s got a lot of free time. He’s a nurturer, and he wants you. Oh, does he want you. He’s got a good eye for things, and he’s more focused on you than you are on him. He’s like 35 or 36, and he’s got long legs. Like six-foot, three or something.”

            She leaned in and placed her hand on her forhead.

            “I see you guys meeting at some social event. I don’t know what it is. There is this long table of food. Good food, and you’re standing there. And you just make some comment like, ‘Gosh this food is good.’ And there he is, right there. Maybe he’s the caterer. I don’t know. But it’s a casual meeting, and I feel like this could be a long-term romantic interest for you. If you want it. So, don’t turn down any birthday party invites, and if you hear a foreign accent, tune in! ‘Cause gosh is he good looking.”

            She put both of her hands on the table, and took a breath.

            “The Paralegal, he’s kind of flaky, isn’t he?”

            “Can be.”

            “Yes, you can’t depend on him. Wait. Is he somewhere? He’s not around right now. It’s like he’s in rehab.”

            “He just got out.”

            “Okay. Well, I don’t have to tell you, you know this, but that is not a good foundation for a romantic relationship! Skip it. I would not pursue this as a romantic relationship.”

            She was filled with compassion, aware her words of truth were cutting deeply through my heart.

            “This is not the last time he will be in rehab. He’s a real good guy. A good soul, and he’s surrounded by a lot of angels. A lot of angels. Like a dozen angels who are all rooting for him. He’s surrounded by a lot of love and light right now. But you will always be the adult and he will be the kid, and that’s just not a good foundation. You know that, though. He’s gonna be on a roller coaster most of his life. He’s burned a lot of bridges. Ooo, a lot of bridges. And when you see a person who has burned a lot of bridges, you have to ask yourself, what’s the common denominator? It’s him.”

            She nodded. I wondered how much truth there was to the Paralegal’s stories of abuse, and recognized there are two sides to the story. What was his role in staying in a relationship filled with abuse? The psychic was filling in enough of the blanks for me to know.

            “You know what I’m saying. You need an equal. Someone who really loves what they do. Who makes enough money. Like this guy I keep seeing. Oh, gosh, is he good-looking. I don’t know what he does, but he’s got a comfortable life. He doesn’t see his family much, but he’s got no family issues. I feel like he doesn’t see them much but that’s because they live far away, like overseas or something. Because he’s foreign. But he had a good childhood and he has no issues he has to work through.”

            She shook her head.

            “The Paralegal, he’s just not balanced and grounded. He’s got a lot of work he needs to do.”

            The Psychic rest her elbows on the desk and leaned forward, her eyes bursting with insight.

            “You like the chase! You really like the chase! You like the chase, don’t you? You need to be careful about that. In fact, you need to ask yourself why you like the chase. You need to ask how come you like to chase. What is that about? Because you deserve someone to chase you.”

            She sighed.

            “You need to be patient with yourself, ya know? Cut yourself a break. You need to sort out your feelings and what you want. I don’t see the Paralegal being present for you like you have been present for him, and you deserve that. You need a trip this summer. A vacation. A vacation all by yourself, where you don’t have to worry about anyone but yourself. The angels are telling me they are sending people your way. New people. They are trying to expand your social circle and bring new people into your life. ‘Cause you lost some friends. Some of your friends have sided with your former partner and that’s been very painful for you. So the angels, they are working very hard to bring new people your way.”

            The Psychic’s face filled with optimism, which was comforting. She was correct in that several people who had been regulars in my life were no longer returning my calls or my messages, yet I knew they were in touch constantly with my former partner. It weighed heavy on my heart. My former partner and I had seen enough breakups to know that someone gets the friends, and we made a conscious decision to not battle over friends, but let it unfold as it might.

            “You’re growing a lot. You are about to burst out of your shell. The Paralegal, he brought a lot of information to the forefront, didn’t he? A lot of information for you to deal with. He’s been very good for you in that way.”

            All I could do was nod.

            “ ‘Cause you struggle with being alone, don’t you?”

            I nodded.

            “You need to work on feeling good on your own. You’ve gotta find the power in being alone, that you’ll be okay, and then own it. You hang on to relationships way too long, don’t you? Every relationship. Not just with your former partner, but your friends, too. Sometimes, you’ve just gotta let people go.”

            She had taken all of my demons, arranged them on a platter and served them right up.

            “You gotta be comfortable on your own. Define yourself in terms of yourself. You change and shift in the relationship to accommodate the relationship. You’ve gotta be comfortable with being with yourself alone. And I only see you having a few months to figure this out because you’re a relational person. You feel lost without a relationship. How can you feel good about being by yourself, and not lost?”

            I knew the questions she was asking. I’d grappled with them before, even asking them of myself. But I didn’t know the answers and she wasn’t providing any clues. Panchakarma hadn’t worked, energy healings hadn’t worked. And now the Psychic was completely useless to providing the answers.

            Maybe the answers were somewhere within me.

            “If you can figure that out, then you can figure out how to be independent in a relationship. If you don’t, then you will shift and change. You’re like a chameleon, you take on a new role in a relationship and you change. You change to be who they want you to be. You ask yourself who do they need, and you become that person. And then when you leave the relationship, you resent them but it is you who has changed. It is you that has changed. It is you that you should be resenting.”

            I could barely breathe. She sat back.

            “You need to spend time alone every week. Find a way to be alone every single week.”

            The task seemed like an impossible journey, and I hoped she would change the subject off of me for a moment. I didn’t come here to find out about me; I came here to find out about the men in my life.

            “The Paralegal, I see a lot of mother issues there. His mother has some bad karmic energy. She’s strong-willed, like a bully. And I keep seeing Momma, Momma, Momma. It’s almost like she’s coddling him like a toddler.”

            “He calls his mom, Momma,” I said.

            The Psychic shivered and clutched her chest.

            “Oooo! Spooks me out when the angels are right. Gives me the chills. Well, if you are in touch with him, you need to encourage him to step back from his mother, to get some perspective so he can set up a different direction for his life. Ooo, this is just weird. It’s like he’s the little boy.”

            She shook her head as if to erase the vision.

            “Is your former partner dating someone?”

            “I don’t know. Could be.”

            “Well, if he is, that’s good. It is good for him and it’ll be good for you. It will help you and it will help the condo to sell faster. It will motivate him to get things moving along. But you’re getting to know yourself now. See, you’ve never known yourself outside of a relationship, and now you’re getting to know yourself. You’re strengthening yourself.”

            She was back on me.

            “You need to focus on your root chakra and your crown chakra. Your root chakra gives you the sense that you are okay; that you have everything you need. And your crown chakra gives you the feeling that you are connected. ‘Cause you’re never alone. Never. You have lots of angels around you.”

            She said that with such a matter-a-fact aplombness, as if whenever feeling lonely, I should just be comforted that I’m sharing my life with a gaggle of angles floating around me. That sounded completely crazy.

            She set both her hands on the table and leaned in, her eyes burned with intensity.

            “Your fear of being alone is your greatest downfall. You have got to be asking yourself, Who am I? What do I want? What kind of partner do I want? Why am I afraid of being alone? Why? What am I passionate about? What do I want? What do I dream?”

            She waved her hand through the air as if she was brushing the answers with her fingers.

            “See, you learn through relationships. Ya know, I think you’re afraid of your power. You’ve gotta get over that and own your power. You can do great things. Amazing things, but you have to own your power.”

            For a moment, I thought she might have been channeling a demon, but she was so filled with love, it felt like the truth.

            “I see a lot of abandonment. A lot. You’ve got this fear, what if no one wants me? My gosh, this goes back many, many lifetimes. I literally see you being left in a basket on the doorstep of an orphanage. And in another lifetime, your mother died in childbirth. Your father has died when you were just a child in another. You know about past life regression, don’t you?”

            “Yes.”

            “If I were you, I’d go see someone. Someone who’s been doing it for a while, and I’d clear all that stuff out because you’re just carrying it around in this lifetime and its not doing you any good. No good at all. But don’t go to some cheap schlock you would find off the street. Go to someone really good, who can clear it all out in one sitting.”

            It does not escape me that I am living a life where my chiropractor recommends I get a second opinion from a psychic, who recommends a past life regression to emotional wounds my spirit has carried through lifetimes. It just keeps getting deeper.

            “How does that help?” I asked, wondering if antidepressants would have been a cheaper route.

            “By understanding. See once you understand something, you can let it go. It helps with forgiveness and letting go. When we’re aware of it, you can go deeper, and it frees you. Once the condo sells, everything is going to change for you. Your money situation is going to get better, new people are coming into your life. And look for that camaraderie with your friends because you’ll be less likely to find a relationship, and you really don’t need to be tied down right now. Your spirit is really wanting to grow and learn.”

            United Healthcare would, in most situations, not question my need for an antidepressant, but they won’t come anywhere near covering crystals and energy healing.

            “I feel like you have a lot of regrets and you need to be a little easier on yourself. Stop beating yourself up. You got any more questions for me?”

            “What about the Lawyer?”

            She grimaced.

            “He’s a little toxic. He’s got a lot of his own issues and he’s a little messed up right now. Be strong with him and stand firm. Don’t beat yourself up over him, because he’s bad news right now. He’s got a lot of toxic energy.”

            She had a coldness that was matter-of-fact, as if she extended any energy toward him, it would just be sucked into a black hole to never be returned. Her cosmic evaluation was eerie.

            “He’s a beautiful man. Oh, is he beautiful. But he draws you in and then he bites you. He’s like a snake. He’s very upset and angry right now, and he’s taking his anger out on others. But he’s going to have to get in a really ugly situation before he gets unstuck. Like I feel he’s going to have a coming-to-God moment that is going to push things to the limit. So avoid him.”

            I knew what she was talking about. When we were together, he would open up, as if it was safe to dream, to be true to his authentic self. Yet, he’d built a life completely compartmentalized, and when he returned to the other compartments, it was there that his logical mind would ignore his feelings and emotions, allowing him to make the very bad decisions that were leading him further and further into a life of unhappiness. Any attempt to follow would only lead to my own unhappiness.

            “You need someone who is much more balanced. Who amplifies joy and success for you and him. Someone with lots of friends, who loves you, who wants you, but doesn’t need you. Like this man that I keep seeing. He’s happy in his life and he will help you be in a peaceful place. Relationships help balance you.”

            She had told me what I already had come to learn: I’m relational, and relationships help to ground me and guide me in life, but if I can’t be my own person in that relationship, then I’ve got a one-way ticket to hot mess.

            “I don’t want to mislead you. This man is not perfect. He’s a control freak in the kitchen; very short-tempered in the kitchen. And he snores. Boy, does he snore. And when he gets mad, he shuts down and you have to say, ‘Hey, what’s going on?’ ‘Cause he gets snippy or silent. But the good news is that it takes a lot to get him angry. He can’t remember birthdays or anniversaries. And he has a dog. A little dog that is not very well trained. But I see lots of picnics for you and being outdoors. And you enjoy each other’s company, and that’s what’s important.”

            Her words were heavy on my heart.

            “But you need to be comfortable with being by yourself. And when you’re uncomfortable, you need to think about why. And when it comes to new men, if you find yourself saying, ‘I can help this person,’ RUN! Run as fast as your can in the other direction.”