The Conversation We Needed To Have

            I waited on the sidewalk outside the Violet Hour, a bar in Bucktown. A funky space with no windows and no standing room, one waits outside until a seat is available, at which point a gentleman dressed in a suit that was retro before Mad Men made the look of the ‘60s fresh again calls your cell phone. It’s an old-school bar, with true mixoligists who create drinks your grandparents would have enjoyed during prohibition.  I’d read about the Violet Hour in Chicago Magazine and had hoped to check it out. So when the Clairvoyant called suggesting we meet for an impromptu cocktail, I figured this was a sign from the universe.

            Either that, or he was reading my mind.

            We had been chatting on Grindr, and there was a good exchange of energy.  It quickly progressed to telephone chat, which I’ve come to learn is a good Grindr sign.  The banter on the phone was playful and lively. I checked his vitals: Career, check. Life goals, check. No mother issues, check. Ability to converse, check. Super smart, check. Emotional intelligence, check. Star sign, Scorpio – highly compatible.  Mercury had just come out of retrograde, and I made some reference to how it was a particularly challenging period.

            “You pay attention to that?” he asked.

            “Put it on my calendar.”

            “Do you? Why’s that?”

            “How else am I supposed to explain my customers getting all crazy at me on the phone.  Helps me hold the phone away from my ear and say, ‘What happened to your experience?’”

            “Really?  I like that.”

             “So tell me something about you.”

            “Well, I’m clairvoyant.”

            My interest was peaked.

            “So tune in and tell me something.”

            “I don’t normally do that.”

            “If you’re clairvoyant, prove it.”

            I could hear him focus his breathing.

            “You’re really ungrounded in your first chakra right now. Your first and second chakra.  Something is up with your housing. It’s totally in flux. And your second chakra, you’re acting out.  You’re acting out sexually because of it.”

            “Yeah, so my former partner and I own a loft downtown and it’s on the market, we’re trying to sell it.  In the mean time, I’m living with a pack of lesbians.”

            I didn’t tell him about the number of boys I’d been chasing and making out with.

            “Do you always read men you’re interested in?”

            “No, never. Most guys run the other direction the moment they find out I’m clairvoyant.”

            Finally, a man who can understand me, I thought.

            “So when are we going to meet?” I asked.

            “How about a drink on Friday?”

            “Sure. I’ll call you on Friday and we’ll set something up.”

            Now I stood there waiting on the sidewalk, having already put our names in.  He sent me a text message saying he was on his way. I had just got a pedicure with Yoga Girl and my toenails were still drying, so I wore a pair of flip-flops clad with silk daisies.  I wore painted on jeans, and a sassy button down shirt. I was feeling urban and chic, and on top of the world.

            I looked up just as he was about ten feet away, and locked on to his eyes right away.  His presence was larger than life and he broke into a huge smile. His western-cut shirt accentuated his broad shoulders, and he was more handsome than his pictures had led me to believe.  My heart skipped a beat as he scanned my body head to toe.

            “Wow. You have red toe nails.”

            “Actually, it’s a brown-red. The color is, ‘Don’t Toy with Me.’”

            “Wow.”

            “My friend Yoga Girl and I just got a pedicure and they’re still drying.”

            “I see. Well isn’t that wild?” He stood there looking at my toenails.

            “I put our name on the list. He said it would only be about ten minutes.”

            * * *   

            We sat on bar stools.  The space was broken up with large velvet drapes, creating a cozy, intimate area, conducive to the art of conversation.  The cocktails are a part of the show, and you can order drinks that died after The War, with names like Juliet and Romeo, The Lady Gray, the Riviera, and As You Wish. We ordered drinks and Herb Tatter Tots with Lemon Mayonnaise.

            He told me about his business that he owns, that he’s a certified scuba diver and sailor, and as a water sign, he enjoys vacationing on and near the water. He explained that in this lifetime he received good parking karma and he always gets rock star parking, with no effort at all.

            He didn’t have a great relationship with his parents as he was growing up, but a few years back, he decided that he wanted a convertible.  He sent that energy out to the universe to manifest itself and a few weeks later, his father called him to suggested they go to the auto show.

            There they sat, on the floor of the auto show, as his father acknowledged he was not the best parent he could have been. He apologized and asked the Clairvoyant for forgiveness.

            “We sat there, crying on the floor of the auto show, all these people milling about.  And that’s when he said, ‘I want to make it up to you kids, and I’m going to buy you whatever car you want.’  And that’s how I got the car I wanted.  So you just ask the universe for what you want, send it out with clear intention and then let it go, and the universe will deliver.  You just have to be patient.”

            He popped a tatter tot into his mouth. I was enamored.

            “When we were on the phone,” I said, “you had mentioned a formula for me and my former partner to manifest the sale of our condo, but I didn’t catch all of it. Can you share that with me again?”

            “It’s easy. You just have to visualize the new space you want, and how that space will make you feel.  Imagine yourself in that space, and the feelings you will have once there, and then forget about it and it will happen.”

            I touched his shoulder, my hand running down the length of his muscled arm.

            “Thank you.”

            He moved away from me.

            “You’re getting all up in my space. I don’t know what that’s about.  What is that about?”

            I could feel my throat close up.

            “You know what that’s about. What is that all about?”

            I stopped breathing.  I knew full well that if I didn’t answer him honestly, he’d see right through it.  I stuttered, afraid that the truth would make him run away.  “Well, umm, it’s about.  Well. If I love you enough, then you’ll love me, and you won’t leave me and I won’t be abandoned.”

            So much for creating mystery on a first date. I felt like an idiot, whose wounded toddler was running out of control. The Clairvoyant placed his fingers on his forehead and closed his eyes.

            “You have been abandoned before. You’ve been abandoned many lifetimes before.  Your mother died during childbirth in one lifetime. In another, you were left in a basket on the steps of an orphanage.  You’ve got to let that go, or it will keep coming back to you.”

            He rest his elbows on the bar, his hands on his brow.

            “You’ve got a sister, though, and you two are close.  Very, very close.”

            “No, I don’t have a sister.”

            “Well, it’s someone who is like a sister.  Maybe it’s Yoga Girl. You two have been siblings for many, many lifetimes, and you take care of each other. You have been her sister while she’s been your brother, and you have both been twins. You are not alone.  You two have been connected throughout lifetimes and you care for each other – you take care of each other – in each lifetime. It’s a very good relationship for you.”

            I ate a tater tot as I sat on the edge of my seat, listening to every word.

            “You’ve got a brother.”

            “Yes, I do.”

            “But I’m not even going to go there. He’s an asshole.  Complete asshole. Very self-centered and self-serving.  And your parents—your parents are wrapped up in his drama. They are very enabling.  There is a distance between you and your parents, and your brother, too, and that’s okay because they will only distract you from the work you need to do.  Don’t get wrapped up in it.”

            He turned to me, looking me in the eyes. It was not his body that was speaking, but his spirit that was connected to another dimension.  As he looked deep into my eyes, he pointed to the corner.

            “Little Tommy is standing over there in the corner.”

            He pointed again.

            “Little Tommy is in the corner.  He’s there, in the corner, all alone.  You have to get Little Tommy and bring him over here.  You’ve got to go get him and bring him here with you and take care of him.  You have to take care of him.  Because no one else will.  No one else is going to take care of Little Tommy.”

            My eyes filled with tears.  I grabbed my drink and threw back a big swig.

            “You can cry in front of me.  It’s okay to cry in front of me.  You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t cry. If you need to cry, then cry.”

            Breathe. My throat had closed up and I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown. I knew exactly what he was talking about: the toddler living inside of me who, after the death of my twin brother at two-years-old, lives in constant fear of being abandoned.  After years of work trying to heal those wounds, to bring them in to the spotlight so they wouldn’t create emotional reactions, the universe, through the Clairvoyant, was telling me that it was time for my adult self to start caring for the toddler inside of me, and that only I could manifest that healing. No magic potion or secret herb was going to do it, but I had to do it myself.

            It was a journey, as much as I hated the sound of it, I was going to have to go on my own.

            “You know what I’m talking about,” He said.  “You have the ability to be clairvoyant yourself, but you just haven’t tapped into that skill yet. You’re almost there, but you haven’t taken yourself seriously.”

            I reached for a tatter tot wondering where I go with the conversation from here.  Should I ask, “What kind of food do you like?” Or, “I like the feel of this bar. Nice colors.”

            Instead, I asked, “Do you always go this deep on the first date?”

            “No. Never,” he said, turning to me.  “But it was the conversation we needed to have.”

            I sat there for a moment in silence.  Awkward silence.

            “I never do this unless a person is paying me two-hundred dollars.”

            He ate a tatter tot.

            “I think I need to go get a salad,” he said, throwing cash onto the bar.

            “Can I come with?” I asked.

            “Only if you go home and put some real shoes on.”

            “I can do that.”

            We left the bar and walked down the street.  He said he would be sitting at the bar in a restaurant we had walked by. I told him it would take me about ten minutes to run home and change my shoes.  As I walked, I thought about conversations we could have that were maybe a little more shallow, and the questions that might prompt them.

            So where’s your next vacation going to be?

            Where did you go to school?

            Where did you grow up?

            How did you become clairvoyant?

            When I got home and my shoes on, my phone chimed with a text message.

            “I think I need to spend some time alone.  How about a rain check on the salad?”

            “Okay. Thank you for tonight. Have a good night, and be in touch,” I replied.

            I walked down the street to my neighborhood watering hole and ordered a bowl of tortellini and a chocolate martini.

            “That kind of day?” The bartender asked.

            “Yes,” I said.

            “I’ll keep the tab open for you. Do you want your second chocolate martini when you’re finished with this one, or when dinner arrives?”

            “When I finish this one.”

            “You want to tell me about it?”

            “I’m not sure I really understand what just happened, but I guess it was the conversation I needed to have.”

            She nodded.

            “I’ll go ahead and start mixing that second one.”